Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
