God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize