Just fell off a train. Bad.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
