im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she smelled like a LAN party
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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