i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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