Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
