Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I stole a fireplace last night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
