just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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