First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Hippo gnu deer
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
