Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
