Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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