i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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