Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
