My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize