She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think my moral compass just broke
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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