How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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