I smell stomach acid.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Randomize
