dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
