omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
