Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
