Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
