I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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