On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
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