You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
