i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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