I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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