Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
