lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
