I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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