i barfeds in our rink
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
