this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
