I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We talked him into tasing himself.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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