i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
