The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize