Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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