Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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