I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
