I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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