No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
