It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
