Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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