Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we're making bets on your personal life
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
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