the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
