It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
