New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
