I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
