put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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