When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm just crazy horny about you
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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