some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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