i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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