yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
