Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
