I can't watch pbs sober anymore
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
