Betty ford says i'm here all night
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
