She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
