Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
why is half of my head shaved?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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