Someone shit on the floor
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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