my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
