I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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